As of today, I've had my last day at the archives. ("Have you brought a sheet to catch all the tears?" asked Herr H., and I very nearly did cry, everyone was so kind.) I've not announced my change of residence, though this is a legal prerequisite for moving away. The offices responsible for that are currently closed, due to unforeseen personnel changes, whatever those may be. A round of visits and calls sorted this. "I can never remember whether you have to announce yourself entering Germany or leaving it," said the woman at the offices, indicating the frequency of such moves in Bischofsheim. She also put me on to the official at the town hall who said cheerfully: "Why don't you just fax it after returning to the States? It's a long way away, of course, but faxes should reach us just the same." As of today, I've officially handed over my duties as choir treasurer, and have officially exmatriculated at the university. I've returned all my library books, and paid off all my overdue fees.
Today, too, I got reprimanded by a stranger at the grocery store when I dropped olives and cheese off the salad bar; as I was finishing the task of picking them all up, he turned to me and remarked "Remorse doesn't cost anything, you know." Shaking and stuttering, I said that I hadn't realized I owed him an apology… then hastily replaced all the supplies for a picnic for which I no longer had appetite. I won't miss being reprimanded by strangers; shouted or muttered at when they don't like the way I manage my bicycle; stonily mustered or laughed at for doing daily tasks wrong (yesterday for not taping up my packages correctly, today for taking too long ordering bread at the bakery.) Germany is a lovely place to live, but I'm not always very good at living here, and my failures are exhausting. I'll miss this beautiful city: its sunny streets and pleasant cafes, its cathedral and its opera. Right now, I'm torn between nostalgic melancholy and mere nervous prostration. Mostly, though, I'm just tired. I'm tired of making sacrifices for academic achievement, and then having that achievement dismissed as negligible. I'm tired of navigating a cultural minefield. I don't know how I'm going to scrape a dissertation out of all this, but right now, I'm almost too tired to care.
Today, too, I got reprimanded by a stranger at the grocery store when I dropped olives and cheese off the salad bar; as I was finishing the task of picking them all up, he turned to me and remarked "Remorse doesn't cost anything, you know." Shaking and stuttering, I said that I hadn't realized I owed him an apology… then hastily replaced all the supplies for a picnic for which I no longer had appetite. I won't miss being reprimanded by strangers; shouted or muttered at when they don't like the way I manage my bicycle; stonily mustered or laughed at for doing daily tasks wrong (yesterday for not taping up my packages correctly, today for taking too long ordering bread at the bakery.) Germany is a lovely place to live, but I'm not always very good at living here, and my failures are exhausting. I'll miss this beautiful city: its sunny streets and pleasant cafes, its cathedral and its opera. Right now, I'm torn between nostalgic melancholy and mere nervous prostration. Mostly, though, I'm just tired. I'm tired of making sacrifices for academic achievement, and then having that achievement dismissed as negligible. I'm tired of navigating a cultural minefield. I don't know how I'm going to scrape a dissertation out of all this, but right now, I'm almost too tired to care.
No comments:
Post a Comment